November 13, 2009

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Dear Mister Sister,

My metrosexual boyfriend and I take fashion seriously. This is too bad, because my fashion sense is seriously superior to his! At first, he was competitive with me, but lately he seems depressed and has given up completely. He recently wore sweats to watch football at a friend's. Sweats! How can I get him to take pride in his appearance again?

Sartorially Superior


Dear Sartorially,

Seriously -- sweats? In a public situation? Where he can be... seen? By... others? Abort! Abort! Dump him now, woman!

I'm sorry. That may not have been the most "constructive" advice, but it was my gut reaction, and I'd be doing everyone a disservice if I didn't express it. Your man has a hard-core case of Venus Envy -- he wants to be the pretty one in the relationship, but because he can't be, he's thrown in the towel. I have some suggestions.

The first is what straight, sport-loving men like yours call "throwing the game." In lady-speak, it means "letting him win once in a while." I'm not telling you to tear the clothes off the nearest homeless person and wear them as your own. That would be morally wrong and hygienically appalling. But it does mean taking your fashion prowess down a notch -- instead of getting an "A" every time you go out, go for a "B+." Tonight, for example, you could NOT wear those pants highlighting how your butt's shaped like an upside-down heart. (Kudos, by the way!) Your beau will see that keeping up with you isn't impossible and start trying again.

Now that he has the urge to play the fashion game again, throw him a bone -- but in a way that he doesn't realize you're helping him achieve his Beau-Brummell-brilliance. He needs to feel like he's his own genius. Here's a tip: Men have poor memories; if he remembers your birthday, it's because his Blackberry reminded him. Use this to your advantage. Buy him a shirt you adore, rip off the tags, and slip it in his closet. Next time you're going out, go through his closet and say, "Why haven't you worn this in a while? I love this shirt!" Have a backstory ready -- tell him he wore it to his friend Frank's party back in June (p.s. it helps if he actually has a friend named Frank). He'll say he doesn't remember it, but tell him you do. Add a line about wanting to jump his bones that night because of the shirt, and he'll be buttoning the collar before you even finish the sentence.

Now for the final step -- before the two of you meet up with your social circle, secretly tell your girlfriends to compliment your man's overall appearance that night. And don't leave anyone out -- get your gay boyfriends in on the action, too. He'll love getting the attention, even if it isn't his "target audience," because he'll have achieved cross-gender sex appeal (every metrosexual's dream). The fact that he's getting compliments more than you will finally get his mojo to moflow again and I just realized how gross that sounds. Regardless, once that happens, you can start dressing to kill again, provided you occasionally remember to leave one important survivor -- your boyfriend's self-esteem.

Also, burn his sweats. For you, for him... for all of us.