1-2 with my best bets last week. 5-8 overall.  You know what I'm not good at doing?  Picking football games.  Worse yet - both my Cousin Jimmy and Uncle Frank celebrated birthdays this week and as a result of these despicable picks - I’m flat broke.  There’s an outside chance Joe Jackson will share his hard-earned allowance with me but I really can’t count on that.  So here I go.  I’m turning things around.  10 wins in week 10 . . . and they are: 

Steelers (-7) over Bengals
I realize he was out for over a month but can we just hand Troy Polamalu the MVP award already?  The guy is freaking amazing. He reminds me of Macy Gray if she didn’t have the crappy singing and dancing and instead displayed a never before seen gridiron ferociousness. Ochocinco is gonna need a ton more bribe money to help his team in this one.  (27-10)

Patriots (+3) over Colts
The Colts defense is really banged up.  It’s like the entire secondary tried taking a picture of Mike Tyson on an airport toilet.  Brady and the Cheatriots take full advantage.   (34-24)

Browns (+10.5) over Ravens
Poor ESPN.  This is why you don’t schedule games 8 years in advance.  This game is ESPN’s version of their World Series of Poker broadcast before you could see the hold cards.  Can’t they just run footage of Australian Rules Football dudes competing in the 1997 Scripps National Bee or something?  Even the Ravens get bored with this one.  (14 -9)

The rest . . .

Bears (+3.5)
Jets (-7)
Redskins (+3.5)
Titans (-6.5)
Vikings (-16.5)
Saints (-13.5)
Panthers (+2)
Dolphins (-10)
Chiefs (+2)
Seahawks (+9)
Packers (+3)
Chargers (-1.5)

That’s that.  Enjoy week 10.

- Cousin Sal

2-1 with my best bets last week.  7-6 overall.  Hello – please allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Stella and I've got my groove back.  I know - I'm still not exactly lighting the world on fire with my picks but anytime I can look down at .500 it's cause for celebration.  Besides – after watching the Yankees purchase another championship we all need to figure out ways to stay positive, right?  So relax and immerse yourself in this nice, warm bath of week nine winners:

Packers (-9.5) over Bucs
I know what you’re thinking.  You don't want to give Tampa coach Raheem Morris two weeks to prepare.  You just don't.  But it says somewhere in the NFL bible that the best cure for a devastating loss against your arch rival is a date with the Buccaneers.  The good news for the Packers is that the Bucs don’t have a Jared Allen on their team.  If you think about it they don’t even have a Lily Allen.  Aaron Rodgers in a rout.  (38-10)

Texans (+9) over Colts
I like the Texans because they were as balanced as any team that played in October.  Aside from that - is Ryan Moats really going to let down the tens of thousands of fantasy football owners who picked him first off the waiver wire this week?  Probably – but I still like the Texans to keep it close. (23-20)

Eagles (-3) over Cowboys
I hate picking against my favorite team.  It's like predicting your son is gonna screw up Silent Night at his pre-school holiday recital.  (No lie - I actually made money off of that one last year).  The reality is – at this point - the Eagles seem to be the more well-rounded squad.  They also seem to be playing at home.  Philly wins this game then loses the one that counts - January 3rd in Dallas.  Then I’ll be able to sleep in heavenly peace.  (27-14)

The rest...

Jags (-6.5) over Chiefs
Ravens (-3) over Bengals
Redskins (+10) over Falcons
Cardinals (+3) over Bears
Patriots (-10.5) over Dolphins
Saints (-13) over Panthers
Seahawks (-10) over Lions
Titans (+4) over 49ers
Chargers (+4.5) over Giants
Broncos (+3) over Steelers

That’s that.  Enjoy week 9!

- Cousin Sal

5-7-1 last week.  1-2 with my best bets.  Thank you!  Thank you!  I know – I’ve done it again.  Last month I urged you to go against each of my selections and it’s paid off big time.  How is it that I watch every play of every single game every week and I’m still terrible at this?  My prognosticating abilities make the Broncos throwback uniforms look like a pinstriped double-breasted Armani suit.   I may keep the Bernie Madoff mask on past Halloween.  That’s how bad things are.  Alright – enough... here are more losers.  And for God’s sakes please listen to my advice and take the other side.

Vikings (+3) over Packers
I have a bad feeling Green Bay is looking past this game instead of focusing on their marquee matchup next week with the Buccaneers.  I know it sounds cliché but I see this one ending with Brett Favre melting the Packers fans’ hearts as well as their cheesy heads on a last second TD drive.  (24-20)*

* Note to Packers fans: If I print it – it’s almost definitely not gonna happen.  So don’t hate me.

Lions (-4) over Rams
It's tough because on the one hand the Lions are a bad team.  They’re the equivalent of getting a crappy Halloween candy like Bit-O-Honey.  But the Rams are even worse.  They’re the equivalent of getting pennies dropped in your candy bag.  But then if you took the pennies and shoved them in your belly button for a week and then took them out and slathered them in swine flu and then ate them.  That’s the Rams.  I’m laying the points with the Bit-O-Honey’s. (21-9)

Texans (-3.5) over Bills
I realize the Texans have their hands full.  How in the world do you prepare for the great Ryan Fitzpatrick?   He’s gonna do his thing and you just have to hope for the best.  All sarcasm aside - Houston is a playoff contender and Buffalo is a fat unkempt beast whose claim to fame is appearing on the nickel a hundred years ago.  It’s true.  Texans in a route.   (35-13)

The rest . . .

Ravens (-3)
Bears (-13.5)
Eagles (-3)
49ers (+12)
Jets (-3.5)
Seahawks (+9.5)
Chargers (-17)
Jaguars (+3)
Cardinals (-9)
Falcons (+10)

That’s that.  Enjoy week 8.

-  Cousin Sal

1-2 with my best bets.  5-9 overall last week.  I’m done apologizing for my atrocious selections.  In fact - I told you people three weeks ago to go against every one of my picks.  I wasn’t kidding.  If you want to make a profit just look below and take the teams in bold/italics on the right side instead of the ones on the left.  It’s very simple.  Just pretend you’re reading Hebrew or have dyslexia.  It’s easy money – like holding an Ed Hardy clearance sale in Jon Gosselin’s living room.  So without further ado here are my week 7 gems – remember – right to left:

Packers (-7) over Browns
This week nearly a dozen Cleveland players were sent home from practice with flu-like symptoms.  Let’s face it – they barely play at an NFL level when healthy.  The Browns with the flu are like Lou Ferrigno with a tongue-piercing.  I like the pass-happy Packers offense to have its way with the phlegmy and already suspect Cleveland secondary. (33-9)

Dolphins (+6.5) over Saints
HUGE letdown game for the Saints.  The wildcat offense keeps Drew Brees off the field just long enough for Miami to prevail in a low-scoring affair. Speaking of low-scoring affairs what the hell is with that Steve Phillips dude?  (20-17)

Bucs (+15) over Patriots (in London)
Things are already heating up overseas.  Apparently, the Queen was fined 15k for knighting Tom Brady below the knees.  Zing!  Bad weather, jet lag and the fact that the Bucs do very little to inspire others to try translates to a lackluster performance where the Pats barely win by double digits. No cover here.  (27-16)

The rest . . .

Chargers (-5) over Chiefs
Colts (-13.5) over Rams
Bears (+1) over Bengals
Steelers (-5) over Vikings
49ers (+3) over Texans
Panthers (-7) over Bills
Falcons (+4) over Cowboys
Jets (-6.5) over Raiders
Giants (-7) over Cardinals
Skins (+7) over Eagles

That’s that.  Enjoy week 7.

- Cousin Sal

0-3 with my best bets last week.  5-9 overall.  I suck.  Plain and simple.  How else can I say it?   I have about as much business picking football games as Chuck Lidell does dancing the Paso Doble.  I have as much business picking football games as Roman Polanski does coaching the U.S. girls gymnastics team.  There – 2 more ways to say it.  

The truth is I should probably get in a Jiffy Pop hot air balloon and sail away from football wagering forever - but I can't.  There's work to be done and too few people depending on me.  So here's the best of my best in week 6:

Giants (+3) over Saints
As the late great Captain Lou Albano once said - "The Giants front seven is often imitated but never duplicated".  Maybe he never said that about the Giants but I’ll bet you a thousand goatee rubber bands that Big Blue’s monsters up front make all the difference in this one.  (19-17)

Jaguars (-9.5) over Rams
Poor Rush Limbaugh.  You'd think personally financing a $300 million stadium made of oxycontin bottles would ingratiate him to the city of St. Louis - but no.  The Rams have about as much of a chance stopping MJD as old Rush does taking part ownership in this team.  (30-7)

Texans (+4.5) over Bengals
Let's face it - if you throw away the records these two teams are basically the same.  I always say when in doubt go with the team who's getting points.  But when in debt - go against everything I always say.  (24-21)

 The rest . . .

Redskins (-6)
Steelers (-14)
Ravens (+3)
Panthers (-3)
Lions (+13.5)
Raiders (+14)
Cardinals (+3)
Jets (-9.5)
Titans (+9)
Bears (+3)
Chargers (-3.5)

That's that.  Enjoy week 6.

- Cousin Sal

SPOILER ALERT:  If you DON’T want to know how week 5's games DON’T end up do NOT read the rest of this column.  I know - it's a lot of negatives. Similar to my gambling ledger. The point is my picks have sucked lately.  But things are gonna turn around for me.  The good teams are starting to get better and the awful teams are starting to play in Tampa.  I now have a handle on the NFL.  So please enjoy this winning slate:

Steelers (-10.5) over Lions
Here's how much the Steelers respect their week 5 opponent.  Big Ben and his lineman prepared for their upcoming game with the Lions by hosting two hours of the WWE's Raw.  Hmm... let's see — we can look at tape to see how we're going to handle the Lions 4-3 stunts or we can insert ourselves in a pro wrestling sketch which involves screaming and dwarves. I actually think Pittsburgh knows what they're doing - too many bad matchups for Detroit.  (34-19)

Pats (-3) over Broncos
Congratulations Broncos on finally having a solid defense.  Now get ready to be penalized 300 yards in personal fouls as Tom Cry Braby points out every time one of your aggressive pass rushers lurks within 7 yards of his cherished legs.  Denver is for real but this week The Brady Rules will be too much for the upstart Broncos to overcome.  (21-13)

49ers (-2.5) over Falcons
The first place 49ers could’ve sent a great message not signing their first round holdout.  What would’ve been better than leaving Crabtree with nothing except the silliest name in sports?  This defense is top notch and San Fran is undervalued.  You have exactly one week to benefit before Vegas catches on.  Go get ‘em. (17-7)

The rest . . .

Cowboys (-8.5)
Panthers (-3.5)
Eagles (-15)
Raiders (+14.5)
Bengals (+8.5)
Rams (+10)
Browns (+6)
Texans (+5.5)
Jags (-2)
Colts (-3.5)
Jets (-2)

That's that.  Enjoy week 5.

- Cousin Sal

2-1 with my best bets last week – but a miserable 6-10 overall.  This is a fickle game we play.  I can tell my devoted prognostication posse is upset with me.  You put together 2 losing weeks and just like that you get more dirty looks than Roman Polanski at a Build a Bear Workshop.  No need to re-hash.  I’m staying positive. Moving on to week 4:  

Ravens (+1.5) over Patriots
Right now the Ravens are just plain better.  And they're just plain getting points against a just plain team.  Last week Tom Brady looked about as bad as a quarterback can look in a convincing win.  Don't expect him to improve against the best defense in the NFL - maybe in years.  (27-20)

Browns (+5.5) over Bengals
I can't go a week without picking a despicably awful team over a contender.  I just can't.  I'm basically relying on a big performance by punt return specialist Josh Cribbs and the fact that the Bengals will be worn down from their exhausting trip to Cleveland.  (16-13)

Packers (+3.5) over Vikings
They're expecting this to be one of the most viewed ESPN telecasts of all-time.  Maybe even bigger than Pratyush Buddiga's heroic performance in 2002 Scripps National Spelling Bee. I predict a huge Favre collapse under pressure.  In fact - don't be surprised if he retires during the Friday walk-thru.  (27-13) 

The rest . . .

Raiders (+9)
Titans (-3)
Chiefs (+9)
Redskins (-7)
Seahawks (+9)
Bears (-10)
Dolphins (+2)
Saints (-7)
Rams (+9.5)
Cowboys (-3)
Steelers (-6.5)

That's that.  Enjoy week 4.

- Cousin Sal

6-10 last week.  1-2 with my best bets.  I’m officially embarrassed.  These are not the numbers I was hoping to put up for my faithful football following.  Not a great week in general.  I travelled 1500 miles to see my Cowboys lose again in devastating fashion against the rival Giants.  (Trust me—it’s even worse when you’re watching the last second field goal split the uprights on a scoreboard that weighs 750,000 tons.  Then—to top it off—those heartless Dancing With The Stars judge bastards unceremoniously dismissed the great Macy Gray leaving me overcome with grief.  Now that the excuses are out of the way let’s move on to a prosperous week 3:

Titans (+3) over Jets
This line seems a little low—but whenever a good team in a must-win situation is getting points I'm taking those points.  Rex Ryan's Jets let down after an emotional slaying of Brady and the Cheatriots.   (19-14)

49ers (+6.5) over Vikings
Adrian Peterson is already banged up and may not practice until Friday.  You see—I told you—terrible, terrible fantasy pick.  My surprise team in the NFC makes Brett Favre look his age in this—the upset of the week.   (20-13)

Pats (-4) over Falcons
Perhaps it wasn't the best idea last week when Coach Belichick decided to bring in MacKenzie Phillips to deliver the halftime speech.  The Patriots rebound in a big way at home this week vs. an overrated (can I call them overrated three weeks in a row?) Falcons squad.  (30-20)

The rest . . .

Browns (+13)
Bucs (+6.5)
Texans (-3.5)
Bills (+6)
Chiefs (+9)
Redskins (-6.5)
Packers (-6.5)
Bears (-2)
Bengals (+4)
Raiders (+1.5)
Chargers (-5.5)
Cards (+2)
Panthers (+8.5)

That's that.  Enjoy week 3.

- Cousin Sal

8-8 overall last week. I apologize to my readers and—of course—to Taylor Swift for my mediocre start. I was, however, 2-1 with my best bets against the spread and there’s no apologizing for that. The important thing is football is back. I’m actually slightly depressed about the fact that an entire week is already behind us. But we can’t think like that. Let’s push on to week two and more winners:

Panthers (+6) over Falcons
Jake Delhomme has 11 turnovers in his last two games. This after Carolina signed him to a $20 million extension. He’s the NFL’s version of Bernie Madoff. And like Madoff he’ll probably make my money magically disappear as I’m giving him one more chance to get his act together vs. an overrated Falcons defense. Two words, Jake . . . “hand” and “off”. (20-19)

Lions (+10) over Vikings
Are the Lions going to win this week? No. Would it be wise to bench Adrian Peterson in your fantasy league for this week 2 matchup? No. Is it ever a good idea to wager on a team that hasn’t won a game since long before Chastity Bono turned dude?  Probably not—but I feel there are still a few weeks left before the team quits on their rookie quarterback and head coach. So I’m doing it anyway. (24-20)

Bengals (+9) over Packers
I seem to have a gambling death wish. So far I’ve taken all crappy teams and the Cincinnati is no exception. Last week the Bengals could’ve been beaten by Jon, Kate and their 8. And that’s only 10 Gosselins—one short of a full squad. I predict they rebound big time vs. a Packers team that lets down after coming off a physical game last Sunday night. Ochocinco says you can put this one down in tweeting. (16-13)

The rest . . .

Chiefs (-3) over Raiders
Titans (-6.5) over Texans
Eagles (-1) over Saints
Rams (+10) over Redskins
Patriots (-4) over Jets
Cards (+3.5) over Jags
49ers (-2) over Seahawks
Bucs (+4.5) over Bills
Browns (+3.5) over Broncos
Chargers (-3.5) over Ravens
Bears (+2.5) over Steelers
Cowboys (-3) over Giants
Colts (-3) over Dolphins

That’s that.  Enjoy week 2 

-          Cousin Sal

It's here... and not a moment too soon. I couldn't be more ready for some football. The truth is I was actually ready about 375 ESPN mock fantasy drafts ago. I'm more excited than Jon Gosselin at a Ed Hardy sale. Mainly because I get to start off the season (0-0) with my pigskin prognostications. Let's face it - it's unlikely I reach .500 again the rest of the season.

However - here's a bonus pick I promise will come true: the soccer coach who - for no reason - moved my son's first game organized game from Saturday morning to this Sunday at 3 pm will sometime in the near future unexpectedly find four of his tires flattened. If you can find someone who will take that bet - jump all over it. Now onto the games:

Cowboys (-6) over Bucs
Did you know that with a victory this Sunday Bucs head coach Raheem Morris moves to number 15 on the list of all time victories for NFL coaches named Raheem? It's true - I looked it up. Not gonna happen as the Cowboys re-vamped offense creates too many mismatches for Tampa's hodge- podge defense. (30-17)

49ers (+6.5) over Cardinals
Week one stunner. Mark my words - the 49ers will win this division. This is a claim I've mistakenly made before the beginning of each of the past 5 seasons – mark 'em anyway. (30-10)

Patriots (-10.5) over Bills
The Bills fired their offense co-ordinator a week before playing the Patriots. That's like kicking your best man out during the cocktail hour. This marriage ends in ruins for Buffalo as Tom Brady and company dig in and teach the rest of the league a lesson for making fun of last season's silly splintered-foot injury. (40-20)

The rest . . .

Titans (+6) over Steelers
Broncos (+4) over Bengals
Browns (+4) over Vikings
Texans (-5) over Jets
Colts (-7) over Jaguars
Dolphins (+4) over Falcons
Ravens (-13) over Chiefs
Panthers (+1.5) over Eagles
Lions (+13) over Saints
Rams (+8.5) over Seahawks
Redskins (+6.5) over Giants
Packers (-3.5) over Bears
Raiders (+9) over Chargers

That's that. Enjoy week one. - Cousin Sal